Author Unknown

I AM FREE

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me
I took His hand when I heard Him call
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day, to laugh,
to love, to work or play.
Tasks undone must stay that way
I've found that peace at the close of the day.

If parting has left a void, then fill it
with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah, yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish for you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much
Good friends, good times,
a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all to brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and share with me,
God wants me now, He set me free.

No comments please

We are coming up on what was our little one's due date. I would like to say that time has eased some of our pain. Maybe someday we will get to say that. We have taken the day off, I don't think either of us could hold it together.

Christmas time- ornaments and cute little dresses make it impossible to make it through the store without crying. Having to hear about someones cute baby, it's enough to tear me up inside.

Raul- This has hurt him just as much as it has me. He holds himself together better though or just preoccupies himself more.

Why this post? just to work through things maybe.

Please

First I want to ask that noone respond to this post. So why am I writing it then? I just need friends and family to know that we still care. Please don't ask why we don't come to ANY family events anymore. We will not be around for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I can't, can't face the darling little kids, the glow and happiness on a pregnant woman's face. I don't want to see what I could of had. I can't take another comment about how we will get over it, how we can try again. It's not like we haven't been trying the last 15 years. We love you all. This is just something we(Raul, Kenny, and myself) have to deal with alone.

Hurt by NIN/Johnny Cash

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything


What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here


What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

It's a

I ahve a friend that is 2 weeks further along in her pregnancy than myself. I am afraid that I will be bitter towards her when I see her.

Anyways I was on Facebook and she posted what she was having and it reminded me of the ecard below.

Glory Baby

Glory Baby by Watermark


Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…


I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

54444444444444====================================================================================\44444444444444444444444454
Well that was Patches helping me with my blog post. This cat is really something else. 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 oops there the kitty goes again. Now I can't even remember what i was gonna post.

My New Kitten

Raul got me a new kittie. He/she is only 8 weeks old. Currently we are calling the kitten Patches. Patches is soooooooo cute!

was bleeding again. went to the ob's office insisted they see me. The baby has no heart beat. They say the baby stopped developing at 9 weeks or so. want to crawl in hole and die.

Thank You

Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and in your prayers. Everything baby wise is fine.

My Grandpa refused to let the doctor go in and see what the damage was and what could have caused the heart attack. He signed himself out of the hospital against the medical advice of the doctors. My mom doesn't even think he will start taling the prescribed medication.

I am now bracing myself for the worst and hoping for the best.

Bad Weekend

Yesterday started off like any other Saturday. We were going to work on the car and possibly go see family. Then came a call from my sister. Dad had called her and Grandpa had had a heartattack. It apparently happen 3 days prior to him going to the hospital.

Of course this upset me greatly and I wanted to take the next flight out. I was online looking for a flight and my worst fear started to happen. I started to bleed. I had Raul call my OB's office, they said if I start having alot of pain or if it got heavy to go to the ER.

Well the bleeding has stopped. I still won't be going to be with my family. My mom says everything is ok there and he is in the hospital until atleast Tuesday. Of course with it being a holiday weekend they will not run tests until Tues.

I'm worried for both him and my baby. If he takes a turn for the worse I will pick up and go. For now I'm trying to stay calm and take it easy.

Goodbye Car

When it comes to cars we have been very fortunate the last couple of years. Both of our current cars were given to us. However my Buick is on it's last leg. After sinking $400 into it the last few months, we found out that to pass emmissions it would require another $400 in work. So we have decided to donate my Buick, maybe they can fix it up cheaper or use the 3 new parts that we just replaced. Either way it just got to be too much.

Now we can concentrate on fixing the steering column on the Taurus, and the doors, and the a/c, and the heat.

Lucky for us Raul just work across the street from our neighborhood. For now I can drop him and his boss can give him a ride home.

Mom says

So we are talking about registering for our baby shower and one thing I think would really be helpful is a garage door opener. However, Mom says that I can't register at Lowes! Okay I guess I need a crib more than a garage door opener. It sure would of been nice though.

Check it out for yourself

Okay so I know some people that are on WIC. So, I figured they know what they are talking about. However, I decided to go ahead and take a look at the web site myself and low and behold, after the baby is born and I'm no longer working, we will be able to qualify. Yah! Huge burden lifted!

Finally...

We went back into the Ob's office today and had a vaginal ultrasound. They finally gave a firm date. I am 6 weeks and 2 days along today. The due date is December 2nd.

First visit

Well I had my first OB/Gyn visit today. My doctor was out delivering a baby, so we didn't get to meet him. They did an ultrasound and say I look 6 weeks. On friday I go back and have a more in depth ultrasound done. For now she was like, here is the sack where the baby will grow.

MY FIRST BORN

Take me - a different kind of survey for a change - it's all about your first born! Just copy and paste it in a new note for yourself! Let's see how much you remember!

1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED? Yes

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? Yes

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS? So happy!

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? HELLO...planned!

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? 18

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? We had wanted to get pregnant. So the first day of my missed period we did a pregnancy test.

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? Don't remember. Probably my friends.

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? Yes, but only did because there were complications and they did another ultrasound.

9. DUE DATE? June 8, 1994

10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? Yes

11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? KFC original chicken and mashed potatoes w/gravy.

12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? Anything to do with my husband.

13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX? Boy

14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? No

15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY? I actually lost weight the first 5 months, then they put me on bedrest and I gained close to 40 lbs.

16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? Yes

17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? I knew.

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? Yes

19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? Good Samaritan Hospital

20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? 7 1/2

21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? Raul

22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? A nurse, 2 doctors, way too many med students, and my husband.

23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? Natural

24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? Yes

27. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? 7lbs 3.2 oz

28. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN ? Monday, June 13, 1994 @ 6:01pm

30. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? Kenneth Xavier Gomez

31. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY? My Kenny is 14.

Really?

I didn't even know you could find out that you were pregnant so early. The doctor just called and said that I am about 3-4 weeks pregnant.

He also is referring me to an ob/gyn that specializes in high risk pregnancies.
Raul, the ever optomistic one, says that he thinks I will be on bed rest the last couple of months. Well, I refuse! I will not get morning sickness and EVERYTHING will be just great.

Is it to early to pick out names? We already did. Wanna know them???
I better ask Raul before I go telling people.

Did I tell you...

Did I? Did I mention that I am pregnant? After trying for the better part of 15 years, we are finally expecting our second child!!!

I must say that even though we have been actively trying again, I was shocked. Raul is HAPPY, it's cute.

Favorites pt. 1

I have a lot of favorite Kenny pictures, here is one I came across last night. We were up Christmas morning and here he is brushing his hair. This is one of those times that a parent is proud their child can do things independently and at the same time feel sad that their "baby" is growing up so fast.



Although this isn't my favorite picture of my Mom.(I think the one I like best is in her photo album) This picture reminds me of a time we were so close. My Mommy was my world, I look up to her, respect her, and idolize her. She was the center of my universe. It wasn't until recently that I realized that just as much as our children are the center of our universe, we are the center of their's.



Here we have one of the many school pics I have of myself. I like this one best. I loved when my Mom did my hair this way. This shirt was so cute. Most of all I got to wear for that day my Mommy's bracelets, this made me feel so special.



Lastly here is a photo of a very sweet little boy that I babysat. His name is Davy. I used to watch both him and his brother, John, for his Grandma. I loved all the times I got to spend with them but my favorite was when we would walk to the park they would sing "Jesus Loves Me." This always melted my heart.

A day out

Yesterday I went to the World Wildlife Zoo & Aquarium. It was my friend Stephanie, her two oldest, Peter and Stephanie, and myself. It was a blast!

The aquarium is a new addition to one of my favorite places to go. When my parents took us Kenny loved feeding the parrots. I enjoy feeding the giraffes. I couldn't believe I got a close-up picture of the jaguar.

However my NEW favorite is the Poison Dart Frogs! Anyone that knows me well, knows that that I LOVE poison dart frogs especially the blue and black ones!

We even got to have lunch at the Tiburon Restuarant inside the aquarium!

An angry little boy

Kenny does not like the changes going on in our house lately. When we brought home the cat it made him very unhappy. He told me that I should take her back. His jealousy towards this little fluff ball shocked me.

As you all know we would like to have more children. Basically my whole happiness has been wrapped up in MY ability to have another child. However seeing Kenny's reaction to the animals has me thinking, that maybe he couldn't handle the change in our lives.

If Kenny was your average boy, I wouldn't be as concerned. But when the cat was missing we entertained the thought that maybe Kenny had something to do with it. Now we just don't know.

For a little while...

For a few hours today I had a doggy. I found a stray and brought him home. He was so excited and happy. He played with me and gave me kisses. I just ate it up.

However Kenny DID NOT like the dog. He was jealous. He also did not like the dog, much like all other living things, in his space.

So when I went back to work Ms. Jane said that she would of liked the dog as a playmate for her puppy, so I gave her my address and Raul's number and she now has a new doggy.

It was fun while I had him but Kenny comes first. Which leads us to my next post.

Our Skitty...

So we got a kitty the other day. I desperately want something to love and cuddle with. So we knew that the cat was shy and that I have very little patience. Still when she kept hiding I of course got upset. THEN she just disappeared. It drove us nuts. I stayed up late one night looking for her and when I went to bed at 2am I woke up Raul. So, he got out of bed to get a drink and saw something go up under the sink area. So he felt up under and could not find a hole.

So by this time I was on the couch and he comes in and says that he must be seeing things. He told me what he saw and that there was no hole. I went in and got on the floor and sure enough there was a gap and that's where she was.

She stayed there for days, only coming out when we slept. On day Raul surprised her and she ran but not for her usual spot. So we were finally able to block the hole.

After that I was determined to be more patient and it is paying off. She still isn't all snuggly but she does come out and look around and we can even bribe her with treats and pet her alittle.

So nice

Well I finally broke down and went and did one of my favorite things. I got my nails done!

Since I no longer work 2 jobs and we do not have the extra cash we used to, I have curbed my spending on my nails.

However, I am so glad I went 'cause my toes turned out soooooooo cute!

One more thing

I have decided not to homeschool Kenny next year. I will be starting the search for the appropriate school for him at the beginning of March.

The right time

So we bought the ovulation kit. We hope it aids us in our quest to have another child.

So, Raul's boss is coming back. He left a few months ago. At first he claimed that he was going to quit. Then his regional boss talked Raul's boss into taking family leave instead. He packed up his things and moved to California. So Raul has been here doing the boss' job for 3 months with no compensation. *grumbles*

Well his boss comes back in a couple of weeks. Can't wait for Raul not to have to go in on Saturdays or Mondays anymore!

Referrals

So the other day the doctor said that he would get some referrals sent out on behalf of Kenny. We are still trying to get a firm diagnoses on him. We have yet to receive the referrals ans Raul called the insurance company and they said that a referral is not need. So tomorrow I need to call the doctor.

I was doing research the other day and found that we are 30 times more likely to have another child on the autistic spectrum. This seems kind of odd to me since doctors don't even know what causes autism.

This last month

Okay so this last month was the month we started trying to get pregnany again. After being diagnosed with diabetes we stopped trying because of the mediacation they put me on. Then a couple of months ago I had the doctor change my meds so that we could start trying again.

We told ourselves and each other that we wouldn't get our hopes up. However we still found ourselves in the baby section at the Walmart everytime we went shopping.

I go back in to talk with the doctor next week.

I will be looking up more info on the internet about ovulation prediction kits.

Changing direction

I am changing direction with my blog. It will be dedicated to all things to do with our final try at having more children.

Not many people in our lives know how painful this journey has been for us. We have shut people out just so we didn't have to share this personal struggle.

We have had to endure the, when questions, the why haven't you questions, and the comments about raising and only child.

I have decided that we will share with those that are closest or should be closest to us, the everyday ups and downs of this final attempt at getting pregnant and carrying to term.

If we are unsuccessful in this endeavor then we will be looking into adoption. We have discussed this option for many years and finally feel that all three of us are ready to open up our home and hearts to a child or children that are in need of both.

I will be sharing the impact that all of our struggles have and do effect our choices to expand our family. From Kenny's Autism/Asperger's disorder/PDD-NOS( http://autism.about.com/od/whatisautism/f/whatishfa.htm )to my mental illness and diabetes.

So here we go.

Saturday plans

We are actually going out of Buckeye tomorrow. Since we moved into our house we don't make it very far from home anymore. So, Raul and myself are going to the movies and then to a Rock Band party.

Dreams

I've been remembering a lot of my dreams as of late. So I have researching on the internet as to why we dream and what is the purpose of dreams. It seems that there are no definitive answers to these questions.