The halfway mark

Here as we rapidly approach the middle of 2014, I find this year to be the best year of my life. Some may wonder, how is it that this year is better than the year I married my husband or the year I had my son. Let me explain. Almost six months ago I finally came to a point in my life where I knew I could no longer carry all the things I thought I had to carry. I checked myself into Banner Behavioral Health Hospital. It was a terrifying and amazing week that started me along the path I'm now on. After being in the hospital came 6 weeks of intensive outpatient therapy, 3 hours/3 days a week. During the first two months of the new year I spent endless hours trying to retrain my brain and learn healthy coping skills. I still struggle but I know as long as I work at it, there will be improvement. I no longer sleep 16 hours a day. My back pain, which seemed debilitating at times, is gone. I have so much more patience with the people in my life. I know I matter, not just to others but to myself. I can't remember the last time I truly mattered to myself, loved myself, or honestly a time when I wanted to live. I have always struggled with depression and anxiety. I remember going to the Royal Gorge Bridge as a 5 or 6 year old and looking out over the edge and just wanting to climb up on the railing and just let myself fall. For the first time in my life I want to live. I can see now that it's not to late to lose the weight. Not to late to travel, to see Stonehenge, white water raft, climb a mountain, or go to Machu Picchu. What makes this the best year is that I can now appreciate all the wonderful things in my life. As a result of this my son's life is improving. My marriage is better than I ever thought it could be. I can see now that there are many wonderful years to come filled with discovery and joy. I'm grateful for the support of my husband and son. I have also found, with help from my psychologist and counselors, amazing peer support groups.

Don't take things personally

I often have to remind myself that everyone around me is just like me. We are all doing the best we can, for who we are and what our situation is right now.

I too could have been a better mom, sister, daughter, wife or friend. I do the best I can when it comes to my child, same as my mom does. I have screwed up a lot. I'm sure other mothers feel the same. All I can do is hope Kenny can look back at his childhood and see that we did our best and there were good times had.

There have been times in my life where my sister needed me and I was not there or she felt like she couldn't turn to me. It goes the other way too. Don't do things to purposely her your siblings, you will need them later in life.

Friends, I think it is the hardest to be a true friend. I have had to walk away from several friends because I needed all my emotional resources for my own life.

Being a wife, one of the things that I have sucked at most. I have provoked arguments, said horrible things and contemplated harm against the man that I vowed to love the rest of my life. Those of you that know our history, I am not excusing the things he did to me. I can look back now and understand where our motives and emotions came from.

They say to learn from others mistakes. I don't really believe you can do that. To truly learn about life, love and relationships you have you put yourself out there and experience them. It will be painful at times. Not only for you but for those around you.

This year

This year has brought about some changes in our lives, mostly changes within ourselves. I once again continue to work towards self awareness, who I am and who I want to be.

I will be going to college in the fall. Whether it's full-time or not will depend on what we qualify for and can afford. I was thinking psychology, but ultrasound tech sounds cool too.

I wish to find a new job. These hours suck ass.

Raul and I will continue to work on our marriage.

Kenny is doing well in his new school. Had a rough first month. Still wants to move back to old school, don't really understand why.

I feel that I have come to terms with the loss of our baby. However I am still angry with my doctor's office and several of their employees and IMS for the way things were handled.
We will not be trying to get pregnant again.

Right now I'm at a loss as to what to do about my own anxiety and depression. I want to seek therapy but not in Buckeye. Maybe I should do it the easy way and just increase my dosage.

Just a short summary of the year.

Little Yellow Dress

I have this little yellow dress. I look at it this morning and wonder if my little girl would have still fit in it this Mother's Day or if she would have been like Kenny, tall for his age. Normally I don't even like yellow but when I saw this dress last year I knew my daughter would look beautiful in it. I never got to see her in that dress. When I imagine seeing her in heaven, she's wearing it.

We had so many hopes & so many plans, just like all brand new parents do. That's what it would have been like. Our Kenny is almost 16 years old, having another child would have been starting over in a sense.

I had dreams of her taking tap & baton classes just like I did. Maybe she would of shared my love of playing the flute. Raul would have been the one to teach her to ride a bike and when she got to Kenny's age he would have been the one to teach her to drive a car.

So here we are on Mother's Day. Kenny is doing the best he has since we moved back to Arizona. For this we are grateful yet in our hearts we feel something missing, someone missing. Our sweet little girl, our second child, the one we hoped and prayed for for so long.

I never got to hold you, but my arms feel so empty without you.

Author Unknown

I AM FREE

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me
I took His hand when I heard Him call
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day, to laugh,
to love, to work or play.
Tasks undone must stay that way
I've found that peace at the close of the day.

If parting has left a void, then fill it
with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah, yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish for you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much
Good friends, good times,
a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all to brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and share with me,
God wants me now, He set me free.

No comments please

We are coming up on what was our little one's due date. I would like to say that time has eased some of our pain. Maybe someday we will get to say that. We have taken the day off, I don't think either of us could hold it together.

Christmas time- ornaments and cute little dresses make it impossible to make it through the store without crying. Having to hear about someones cute baby, it's enough to tear me up inside.

Raul- This has hurt him just as much as it has me. He holds himself together better though or just preoccupies himself more.

Why this post? just to work through things maybe.

Please

First I want to ask that noone respond to this post. So why am I writing it then? I just need friends and family to know that we still care. Please don't ask why we don't come to ANY family events anymore. We will not be around for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I can't, can't face the darling little kids, the glow and happiness on a pregnant woman's face. I don't want to see what I could of had. I can't take another comment about how we will get over it, how we can try again. It's not like we haven't been trying the last 15 years. We love you all. This is just something we(Raul, Kenny, and myself) have to deal with alone.

Hurt by NIN/Johnny Cash

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything


What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here


What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

It's a

I ahve a friend that is 2 weeks further along in her pregnancy than myself. I am afraid that I will be bitter towards her when I see her.

Anyways I was on Facebook and she posted what she was having and it reminded me of the ecard below.

Glory Baby

Glory Baby by Watermark


Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…


I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

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Well that was Patches helping me with my blog post. This cat is really something else. 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 oops there the kitty goes again. Now I can't even remember what i was gonna post.

My New Kitten

Raul got me a new kittie. He/she is only 8 weeks old. Currently we are calling the kitten Patches. Patches is soooooooo cute!

was bleeding again. went to the ob's office insisted they see me. The baby has no heart beat. They say the baby stopped developing at 9 weeks or so. want to crawl in hole and die.

Thank You

Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and in your prayers. Everything baby wise is fine.

My Grandpa refused to let the doctor go in and see what the damage was and what could have caused the heart attack. He signed himself out of the hospital against the medical advice of the doctors. My mom doesn't even think he will start taling the prescribed medication.

I am now bracing myself for the worst and hoping for the best.

Bad Weekend

Yesterday started off like any other Saturday. We were going to work on the car and possibly go see family. Then came a call from my sister. Dad had called her and Grandpa had had a heartattack. It apparently happen 3 days prior to him going to the hospital.

Of course this upset me greatly and I wanted to take the next flight out. I was online looking for a flight and my worst fear started to happen. I started to bleed. I had Raul call my OB's office, they said if I start having alot of pain or if it got heavy to go to the ER.

Well the bleeding has stopped. I still won't be going to be with my family. My mom says everything is ok there and he is in the hospital until atleast Tuesday. Of course with it being a holiday weekend they will not run tests until Tues.

I'm worried for both him and my baby. If he takes a turn for the worse I will pick up and go. For now I'm trying to stay calm and take it easy.

Goodbye Car

When it comes to cars we have been very fortunate the last couple of years. Both of our current cars were given to us. However my Buick is on it's last leg. After sinking $400 into it the last few months, we found out that to pass emmissions it would require another $400 in work. So we have decided to donate my Buick, maybe they can fix it up cheaper or use the 3 new parts that we just replaced. Either way it just got to be too much.

Now we can concentrate on fixing the steering column on the Taurus, and the doors, and the a/c, and the heat.

Lucky for us Raul just work across the street from our neighborhood. For now I can drop him and his boss can give him a ride home.

Mom says

So we are talking about registering for our baby shower and one thing I think would really be helpful is a garage door opener. However, Mom says that I can't register at Lowes! Okay I guess I need a crib more than a garage door opener. It sure would of been nice though.

Check it out for yourself

Okay so I know some people that are on WIC. So, I figured they know what they are talking about. However, I decided to go ahead and take a look at the web site myself and low and behold, after the baby is born and I'm no longer working, we will be able to qualify. Yah! Huge burden lifted!

Finally...

We went back into the Ob's office today and had a vaginal ultrasound. They finally gave a firm date. I am 6 weeks and 2 days along today. The due date is December 2nd.

First visit

Well I had my first OB/Gyn visit today. My doctor was out delivering a baby, so we didn't get to meet him. They did an ultrasound and say I look 6 weeks. On friday I go back and have a more in depth ultrasound done. For now she was like, here is the sack where the baby will grow.