The halfway mark

Here as we rapidly approach the middle of 2014, I find this year to be the best year of my life. Some may wonder, how is it that this year is better than the year I married my husband or the year I had my son. Let me explain. Almost six months ago I finally came to a point in my life where I knew I could no longer carry all the things I thought I had to carry. I checked myself into Banner Behavioral Health Hospital. It was a terrifying and amazing week that started me along the path I'm now on. After being in the hospital came 6 weeks of intensive outpatient therapy, 3 hours/3 days a week. During the first two months of the new year I spent endless hours trying to retrain my brain and learn healthy coping skills. I still struggle but I know as long as I work at it, there will be improvement. I no longer sleep 16 hours a day. My back pain, which seemed debilitating at times, is gone. I have so much more patience with the people in my life. I know I matter, not just to others but to myself. I can't remember the last time I truly mattered to myself, loved myself, or honestly a time when I wanted to live. I have always struggled with depression and anxiety. I remember going to the Royal Gorge Bridge as a 5 or 6 year old and looking out over the edge and just wanting to climb up on the railing and just let myself fall. For the first time in my life I want to live. I can see now that it's not to late to lose the weight. Not to late to travel, to see Stonehenge, white water raft, climb a mountain, or go to Machu Picchu. What makes this the best year is that I can now appreciate all the wonderful things in my life. As a result of this my son's life is improving. My marriage is better than I ever thought it could be. I can see now that there are many wonderful years to come filled with discovery and joy. I'm grateful for the support of my husband and son. I have also found, with help from my psychologist and counselors, amazing peer support groups.

Don't take things personally

I often have to remind myself that everyone around me is just like me. We are all doing the best we can, for who we are and what our situation is right now.

I too could have been a better mom, sister, daughter, wife or friend. I do the best I can when it comes to my child, same as my mom does. I have screwed up a lot. I'm sure other mothers feel the same. All I can do is hope Kenny can look back at his childhood and see that we did our best and there were good times had.

There have been times in my life where my sister needed me and I was not there or she felt like she couldn't turn to me. It goes the other way too. Don't do things to purposely her your siblings, you will need them later in life.

Friends, I think it is the hardest to be a true friend. I have had to walk away from several friends because I needed all my emotional resources for my own life.

Being a wife, one of the things that I have sucked at most. I have provoked arguments, said horrible things and contemplated harm against the man that I vowed to love the rest of my life. Those of you that know our history, I am not excusing the things he did to me. I can look back now and understand where our motives and emotions came from.

They say to learn from others mistakes. I don't really believe you can do that. To truly learn about life, love and relationships you have you put yourself out there and experience them. It will be painful at times. Not only for you but for those around you.

This year

This year has brought about some changes in our lives, mostly changes within ourselves. I once again continue to work towards self awareness, who I am and who I want to be.

I will be going to college in the fall. Whether it's full-time or not will depend on what we qualify for and can afford. I was thinking psychology, but ultrasound tech sounds cool too.

I wish to find a new job. These hours suck ass.

Raul and I will continue to work on our marriage.

Kenny is doing well in his new school. Had a rough first month. Still wants to move back to old school, don't really understand why.

I feel that I have come to terms with the loss of our baby. However I am still angry with my doctor's office and several of their employees and IMS for the way things were handled.
We will not be trying to get pregnant again.

Right now I'm at a loss as to what to do about my own anxiety and depression. I want to seek therapy but not in Buckeye. Maybe I should do it the easy way and just increase my dosage.

Just a short summary of the year.

Little Yellow Dress

I have this little yellow dress. I look at it this morning and wonder if my little girl would have still fit in it this Mother's Day or if she would have been like Kenny, tall for his age. Normally I don't even like yellow but when I saw this dress last year I knew my daughter would look beautiful in it. I never got to see her in that dress. When I imagine seeing her in heaven, she's wearing it.

We had so many hopes & so many plans, just like all brand new parents do. That's what it would have been like. Our Kenny is almost 16 years old, having another child would have been starting over in a sense.

I had dreams of her taking tap & baton classes just like I did. Maybe she would of shared my love of playing the flute. Raul would have been the one to teach her to ride a bike and when she got to Kenny's age he would have been the one to teach her to drive a car.

So here we are on Mother's Day. Kenny is doing the best he has since we moved back to Arizona. For this we are grateful yet in our hearts we feel something missing, someone missing. Our sweet little girl, our second child, the one we hoped and prayed for for so long.

I never got to hold you, but my arms feel so empty without you.

Author Unknown

I AM FREE

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me
I took His hand when I heard Him call
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day, to laugh,
to love, to work or play.
Tasks undone must stay that way
I've found that peace at the close of the day.

If parting has left a void, then fill it
with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah, yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish for you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much
Good friends, good times,
a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all to brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and share with me,
God wants me now, He set me free.

No comments please

We are coming up on what was our little one's due date. I would like to say that time has eased some of our pain. Maybe someday we will get to say that. We have taken the day off, I don't think either of us could hold it together.

Christmas time- ornaments and cute little dresses make it impossible to make it through the store without crying. Having to hear about someones cute baby, it's enough to tear me up inside.

Raul- This has hurt him just as much as it has me. He holds himself together better though or just preoccupies himself more.

Why this post? just to work through things maybe.

Please

First I want to ask that noone respond to this post. So why am I writing it then? I just need friends and family to know that we still care. Please don't ask why we don't come to ANY family events anymore. We will not be around for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I can't, can't face the darling little kids, the glow and happiness on a pregnant woman's face. I don't want to see what I could of had. I can't take another comment about how we will get over it, how we can try again. It's not like we haven't been trying the last 15 years. We love you all. This is just something we(Raul, Kenny, and myself) have to deal with alone.